Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize