Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
