I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
