All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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