my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
