Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize