I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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