Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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