Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My dick has a subreddit
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
