god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
