Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
