I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
