I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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