Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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