Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
