if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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