Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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