I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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