remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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