I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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