if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have aggressive nipples.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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