I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
