Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
