I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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