wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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