hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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