You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
