I wish I only lived at night.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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