new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
