okay pat passed out under dana's car
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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