Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I think your dad took our porno
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
