foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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