hotel room ftw
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
