remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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