My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize