Plan B is the new Plan A
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
