Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
