I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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