i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
