I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
They have beer where we have blood.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize