Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
