it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
