let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
