Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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