the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
