I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
