im six kinds of drunk right now
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
