so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
