Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
