My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
