i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
