Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
