So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
