i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
