I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Let's get the cat blown out
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
