I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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