Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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