Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize