god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
