How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
