Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
