It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
